Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dustin Hoffman and Jay Leno, January 8

Dustin Hoffman is still on the late night talk show circuit hawking his new movie, Last Chance Harvey. And yes, he came armed with some off-color material.

Hoffman started by saying that his resolution for the New Year is to tell the truth. So, he admitted to being a kleptomaniac. He has a habit of taking things from hotels. Since usually he stays in hotels when working on movies, he doesn't get in trouble for taking things because the studio pays the bill. He said once, long ago, he took a TV.

Next topic-- Flossing his teeth. He claims that everyone tells the dentist they floss even though they don't. Hoffman, telling the truth again, said that he doesn't floss. He said his failure to floss is because he has small motor control problems. Anyway, Hoffman claimed that he went to the dentist that morning so his teeth would look bright and pearly white for his appearance on the Tonight Show.

Hoffman then pulled out a notebook, one that he had lifted from a hotel in London, and began reading about what the dentist did. There was a double entendre nature to his notes, slightly risqué, not funny.

After a commercial break, it was time for Hoffman to tell his joke.

Hoffman has taken up the habit of telling, as Leno put it, "wildly inappropriate jokes."

He continued his streak, saying that he had a "holiday" oral sex joke.

(Don't you love holiday oral sex jokes? If you don't, stop reading.)

A woman goes into a pet store the day of New Year's Eve. There's no one else there and the guy that runs the pet store is watching her as the woman looks around. She looks at the cats and the dogs and the birds and the lizards.

Finally, the guy goes up to her and says, "Excuse me madame, but I get the feeling that you want more than a pet. You're looking for a friend, really, a real relationship, aren't you? Something maybe, if I may be candid, something for those lonely New Year's Eve nights."

The woman says, "Yes, that's true."

The man shows her a frog. He says, "I think you need this frog."

She asks why.

The pet store owner says, "Well, because this frog, if I can speak candidly once again, happens to know more about oral sex than any experience you've ever had. I guarantee this...

"All you have to do is you just lie on a bed on your back. And take your clothes off and you just put the frog between your legs and then you just touch the frog right on the forehead and then just relax, and the rest... You'll never have another New Year's Eve like this in your life."

She takes the frog and she returns on Monday. The woman is very upset, accusing the man of taking advantage of her.

The man says, "This has never happened before. Please come with me."

He takes her into the back room and says, "Now you have to do exactly what you did with the frog because otherwise I'm not going to be able to help you."

She takes her clothes off. She gets on the bed, lies on her back, puts the frog right between her legs. She puts her finger on the frog's forehead but the frog doesn't do anything.

The store owner asks her to try it one more time.

The woman puts her finger on the frog's forehead again. Nothing.

The pet store owner says, "Excuse me."

He gets on the bed. He takes the frog. He puts it on the little night table. He gets between her legs. He looks at the frog and he says, "This is the last time I'm gonna show you how this is done."

Where does Hoffman get these jokes?



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