SNL: Joe Biden, November 14

The opening skit on Saturday Night Live was Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden. He was sitting at Obama's desk in the Oval Office, "running things."



Transcript

DON PARDO: And now a message from the vice president of the United States.

JOE BIDEN: Hey-o! Large and in charge. The president's away and Joe will play. Now, as many of you know, on Thursday the president embarked on an 8-day trip to Asia. So for the next week, Joe's runnin' things.

Now before the president left, we talked policy, mainly the policy about the Oval Office and how I'm not allowed in it. So why am I here? Because Joe Biden follows his heart, not instructions. That's right. And Joe's got a big ol' heart. That's why I thought I would do something nice for the president. So, I'm gonna take one of the things, one of the major problems facing this administration and fix it before he gets back. Yup, just knock it out.

Now I know I have to keep it simple because I only have a week to fix something. So I narrowed it down to three choices: Afghanistan, the Economy, or Health Care. I can get one of these done.

Let's start with Afghanistan. I would love to fix what't goin' on over there. I really would, but there's one problem -- Afghanistan is a mess. It can't be fixed. Trust me, I've been there. It's just a corrupt, barren, backwater hellhole of a place. I mean, it's worse than Scranton.

They're not very good at democracy in Afghanistan. You know what they're good at? Growin' drugs. Real good. Yeah, some people will say Afghanistan is gettin' better. Well, of course it is. It's the worst place on earth. It can only get better.

Afghanistan's a lot like the contestant on the first episode of The Biggest Loser. You know, just because it loses five pounds doesn't mean it's suddenly Miss America. I mean, come on, she's still a fat girl. Hey look, I'm just givin' it to ya straight, Biden-style. That place is a mess.

Now, my second choice was to fix the economy. Now the problem there is we already did it. I said it once and I'll say it again: The stimulus is working. Now I know that might be tough to swallow if you're unemployed, but look at me. The stimulus is working.

Right now there are thousands of new jobs being created every day across America. Foreclosure lawyers and repo men, temps and bankruptcy specialists. So don't tell me no one's hiring. The quality of the work force is improving, too. If you drive behind a Home Depot right now to find a bunch of guys back there ready to help you put in a new deck, you're gonna find fellows with master's degrees, former professors, and accountants. I mean, it's amazing. And it makes me proud to be an American.

That brings us to number three, health care. Now here's something I can fix and here's how we're gonna do it. We're gonna cave in like crazy. That's right. The president wants to pass a health care bill so bad that he will literally sign anything.

You could water it down however you like. As long as it's a stack of paper with the words 'health care' on it, hey, he'll sign it. I mean, remember that public option that was such a big deal? Gone! Poof! What happened?

And there's more. Let ol' Joe run down the compromises we're cool with.

First, to those Republicans who want the bill to protect doctors from medical malpractice suits, you win. We'll agree to a provision that would make it illegal to ever sue a doctor, and I mean ever. If you need a new arm and he puts a leg on there by mistake, sorry. Hey, it's better than nothin'. You just have to walk back home sideways. Put it in there. We will sign it.

Some folks are mad as hell that this health care plan might cover illegal immigrants. Fine. Fine. We'll do whatever it takes to appease you immigration hardliners. You want to make sure that no copies of the bill will be printed in Spanish? OK. Heck, how about a provision that forbids the treatment of any children under 3 who have their ears pierced? Put it in. We'll sign it. We gotta pass this puppy!

Now a lot of you are concerned that this is gonna cost taxpayers billions of dollars. Don't worry. Ol' Joe's got you covered. I'm gonna ask that the Senate bill include a middle class tax cut, which is always popular with both Democrats and Republicans. Now some of you out there are asking, 'Joe, how are you gonna pay for a $1.2 trillion plan by cutting taxes?'

Finally, because I know how important a bipartisan bill is to this president, I want to make an offer to the first Republican senator to come across the aisle and sign on to this bill. You can write one provision of your own in the bill and seal it in this envelope, right here. I promise I won't show it to the president until after he signed the bill into law. It can be whatever you want. You want a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage? I don't know. That's fine. Maybe a national holiday for Kenny Chesney, or a law that makes it illegal to be Nancy Pelosi, whatever. Sky's the limit.

The important thing is that when the big man gets back he focuses on how I got the bill passed and not on who picked the locks in the Oval Office.

Obama Bows to Japanese Emperor

NOT AGAIN!

Hasn't Obama learned anything since his last bowing incident?

There was such an uproar after Obama bowed to Saudi Arabian King Abdullah Bin Abdulaziz that Robert Gibbs flat-out lied about it.



There Obama goes again!

I can't wait to hear Gibbs say that wasn't a bow. I don't want to hear the BS about Obama being tall and bending down to greet the emperor. That's crap.

Obama can show respect without bowing. He appears subservient.

Why aren't the Leftists, the ones who use slavery imagery when they describe the behavior of African-American conservatives, using slave imagery when Obama literally bows?

Michael Steele, Clarence Thomas, Condoleezza Rice, and even Colin Powell were criticized by unapologetic Leftists. They hurled racial epithets -- "Uncle Tom," "House Negro," "Black man who deserves an asterisk" -- at good and decent people. Michael Steele was pelted with Oreos, and for what? Being black and conservative?

Why aren't these same Leftists complaining about Obama's bowing? Why aren't they complaining that he's acting submissive when he bows like that? Why aren't they calling him a "House Negro"?

Bottom line: American presidents of the United States should not bow before anyone.

Take race out of the equation. It's irrelevant. The image of Obama, American president, bowing is nauseating.

Yeah, yeah, it's a sign of respect in Japanese culture.

Did the Japanese emperor bow to Obama?

Where's the respect?

Rudy Giuliani with Neil Cavuto: 9/11 Trial in New York (Video)

Rudy Giuliani has harsh words for Eric Holder and the Obama administration.

He describes the decision to bring 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his fellow 9/11 plotters to New York for trial as "dangerous and irresponsible."

Tom Barrett for Governor

It was announced on Friday that on Sunday Tom Barrett will announce that he is running for governor of Wisconsin.

That is so lame!

From the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

Mayor Tom Barrett will announce this weekend that he is running for governor, the Journal Sentinel has learned.

"You would not be inaccurate to write that," said a top adviser to the two-term mayor on Friday.

A second Milwaukee Democrat who has firsthand knowledge of Barrett's plans also confirmed that the mayor has decided to enter the race to try to replace Gov. Jim Doyle, who announced in August that he would not seek a third term.

Barrett is expected to reveal his plans publicly at noon Sunday, ending three months of pondering and speculation.

All week, Barrett had been inching toward a bid for the state's highest office.

Sources close to Barrett said his team has been talking to Wisconsin campaign operatives about what it would take to run and win a statewide gubernatorial campaign, including what would be a realistic budget. Those sources emphasized that Barrett is not interviewing for campaign staff.

By entering the statewide contest, Barrett will become the only major Democrat in the field, boasting a campaign war chest and name recognition that are expected to keep out other candidates.

Gee, Sunday at noon.

The suspense is killing me.

This is kind of awkward. We know that Barrett really didn't want to run.

Does he have any direction? What are his ideas? How would liberal Democrat Barrett be different from the disastrous liberal Democrat Jim Doyle?

There are so many reasons to doubt Barrett. He's the status quo candidate.

Scott Walker is the candidate of real hope and change.

How is Barrett going to convince people that he's really interested in being the governor after months of hemming and hawing?

I guess the better question is how Barrett will convince himself.

Jerry Adler: Lou Dobbs Poem

This is really strange.

Scott Whitlock, Media Research Center, writes:

Newsweek senior editor Jerry Adler on Thursday posted a bizarre poem on the publication’s website, mocking Lou Dobbs for leaving CNN and insinuating that the cable anchor might be crazy....

Here's the poem:

"Newsverse: Goodbye, Mr. Dobbs"

By Jerry Adler

So wily Lou has picked the locks
That kept him in his padded box
And tiptoed off, in just his socks.
Or should we say, weighed anchor?

So now we wonder where he docks
To whom he’ll lead his rabid flocks:
The Pop that loves his famous Vox
And adores his rancor.

A network just for frat-boy jocks?
Where aliens are put in stocks
And viewers pelt them with big rocks
Before each half-time show?

Could it be UPN, or Cox?
They’d have to open up Fort Knox
We know Lou’s crazy, like a Fox.
I’d really love to know.

Good Lord, how odd!

The SENIOR EDITOR of Newsweek is posting such weird ramblings on the magazine's website?

Jerry Adler has issues.

Water on the Moon

IT'S ALIVE!

THE MOON IS ALIVE!

From the Los Angeles Times:

Declaring "this is not your father's moon," NASA scientists said today that last month's mission to punch a hole in the lunar surface found significant amounts of water in a permanently shadowed crater at the moon's south pole.

"The moon is alive," declared Anthony Colaprete, the chief scientist for the Lunar Crater Observation and Sensing Satellite mission.

According to Colaprete and other researchers, the mission measured about 25 gallons of water in the form of vapor and ice after punching a hole about 100 feet across in the surface of the moon. While that's not enough to fill a bathtub, it could be evidence there is enough water at the poles for future astronauts to use to live off the land. And it's far more than anyone expected following the Apollo missions of the 1960s and '70s, which pronounced the moon a dead, forbidding world.

"This is painting a surprising new picture of the moon," said Greg Delory, a space scientist at UC Berkeley.

I'm glad to hear that reports of the moon's death have been greatly exaggerated, but I can't say it matters much to me.

It's nice there's water but I would have been more intrigued if the scientists had found cheese.

I love the moon.

In the great green room there was a telephone.

And a red balloon, and a picture of - the cow jumping over the moon.

And there were three little bears sitting on chairs.

And two little kittens, and a pair of mittens.

And a little toyhouse. And a young mouse.

And a comb and a brush and a bowl full of mush.

And a quiet old lady who was whispering 'hush.'

Goodnight room. Goodnight moon.

Goodnight cow jumping over the moon.

Goodnight light and the red balloon.

Goodnight bears. Goodnight chairs.

Goodnight kittens. And goodnight mittens.

Goodnight clocks. And goodnight socks.

Goodnight little house. And goodnight mouse.

Goodnight comb, and goodnight brush.

Goodnight nobody. Goodnight mush.

And goodnight to the old lady whispering 'hush.'

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air.

Goodnight noises everywhere.

Water or no water, it's the same moon to me.