Monday, March 22, 2010

'6 Things I Want to See Added to the Health Care Bill'

Posted by Jon Friedman, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:


1. It is every American's RIGHT to a lollipop after completing their visit with the doctor. Lollipops or Dum Dums are not mentioned even once in the entire bill.

2. Hospital gowns MUST go all the way around. No more exposed backsides. I've seen too many unsightly bottoms when other patients are walking to the bathroom to supply a urine sample. It's embarrassing.

3. Puppet Distraction: All doctor's must be REQUIRED to have some form of puppet distraction when giving patients a shot. It's simple: one hand to administer the shot while the other hand is covered by a puppet asking (in a higher pitch voice) to "look over here" or "what my name is." Panda puppets are preferred.

4. Stethoscope Warming Machines: Or as I like to call them SWM's. They say that over time we're going to save trillions of dollars with this new Health Care Reform bill. That means there are no more excuses to place an ice cold stethoscope onto my bare chest. You put it in a little machine that warms it up first.

5. Code Words for Viagra: No longer should men have to directly ask about erectile disfunction pills. They should be allowed to use silly code words or phrases and have the doctor know what they're talking about because It's too hard to bring up. As a matter of fact, that's the perfect phrase to use. From now on, when you want your doctor to prescribe you a pill like Viagra you say, "This is too HARD to bring UP but can I get a little help..." and then you wink twice. He'll know what to do.

6. I'd like to be taken out to dinner first before having my prostate checked.

Thanks for the smile, Jon.

Go to Jimmy Fallon's site to see the accompanying photos. Funny.

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