Sunday, March 14, 2010

SNL: Eric Massa - Jerry Seinfeld, Seth Meyers (Video)

On Saturday Night Live, Jerry Seinfeld joined Seth Meyers on "Weekend Update" for a segment about Erica Massa, called "Really!?! with Seth & Jerry."



Video here.




Transcript

SETH MEYERS: Really, Eric Massa? Really? First you claimed you were leaving Congress for illness, then you said you were forced out by the White House, then you said it was because you groped a staffer, and then you topped it all off by being the crazy one on the Glenn Beck show. I mean, really.

JERRY SEINFELD: And Eric, when you finally admitted you groped a male staffer you insisted it was just during a tickle fight? Really? You know, if a grown man is willing to say it was just a tickle fight, what really happened was probably A - worse, and B - illegal.

MEYERS: And really, you have to stop saying this happened on your 50th birthday as if that makes it OK. That's not what happens on 50th birthdays. On my dad's 50th birthday, we got him a gift certificate to Morton's and a Band of Brothers DVD. Really, that's a 50th birthday. You're thinking of your 5th.

SEINFELD: And when Larry King asked you if you were gay, you said, 'Ask my wife or ask the 10,000 guys I served with in the Navy.' Really? First off, ask your wife, really? Can I assume if you are gay she might be the last person you'd tell.

MEYERS: Also, really, when crafting a sentence denying your homosexuality, try to leave out phrases like '10,000 guys' or names of Village People songs like 'In the Navy.' You might as well have said, 'I'm not gay. Just ask the fellas down at the YMCA.

SEINFELD: And by the way, we didn't have time to ask all 10,000 guys, but we asked three, and they all said you were gay. I mean, really, you even had a reputation for giving out special massages that you called 'Massa massages.' Really, Eric? If you're gonna sexually harass people who work under you, dude, don't trademark it. 'Hey, in case you forget I groped you, here's an easy way to remember my name.'

And why do I have a sinking feeling that 'Massa massages' were quickly followed by 'Massa-bations'?

MEYERS: And really, Eric Massa, the worst part of this story is that it ruins snorkeling for me. Before you came into my life, snorkeling was a thing kids did on vacation. And now if I walk by the pool at Disneyland, it's gonna look like a weird underwater sex club.

SEINFELD: And I can't stop thinking if that's snorkeling, what's scuba diving? What's a two-man submarine?

MEYERS: I don't think I want to know.

SEINFELD: No.

MEYERS: At the same time, we want to applaud your accomplishment. It is truly incredible to be New York's biggest disaster at a time when David Paterson is still governor.

SEINFELD AND MEYERS: Really! Really?


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Video of SNL's cold open, which also lampooned Massa.

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