The Pros And Cons Of Going Vegetarian
PROS
Are still allowed to smell, feel, and look at meat
Get to declare “I can’t eat this!” while throwing a meat dish on the floor
Tofu can be substituted in any non-vegetarian recipe calling for bland, flavorless chunks
Help replace environmentally harmful livestock industry with the environmentally harmful agriculture industry
Can enjoy unadulterated pleasure of slowly masticating bitter leaves and grasses
Fewer heart attacks than last year
Rewards points
Subtle nods of approval from every passing animal
Increased energy for complaining about how shitty life is now
CONS
Beef, pork, and chicken all contain meat, and you will not be allowed to eat them
Have to perfect the forced smile that accompanies choking down tempeh
May lose the weight, high cholesterol, and saturated fats you worked so hard for over the years
Get constantly pestered with questions from fascinated acquaintances
Will be forced to resign as vice president of your local Gravy Club
Could become the kind of person who asks questions about soups
No matter how many vegetables you scarf down, you will never get your picture mounted on the wall of a steakhouse
Many animals not slaughtered for consumption could go on to live long lives filled with heartbreak and disappointment
Can go back to eating meat at any time without any consequence whatsoever
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