Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Jay Leno Monologue on Fallon: Hillary, Trump, Anthony Weiner, Bad Economy Jokes

Jay Leno was Jimmy Fallon's guest on Monday.

As with his past Tonight Show appearances, Leno once again did a segment of the monologue.

Following their past routines, Fallon gets injured and needs someone to tag in for him. Enter Leno.

JAY LENO: Hillary Clinton got quite a scare tonight. I guess a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector. [Clutches heart.]

And I tell you, that Donald Trump, he is a smart businessman. When kids rang his bell and yelled 'Trick or treat,' Trump yelled, 'Trick,' and before the kids could grab any candy -- declared bankruptcy.

Well, here's an interesting Halloween story mentioned in the paper today. Researchers say the smell of pumpkins can actually cause sexual arousal in men. Guys, a word of warning: Before you act on an impulse, blow out the candle first.

I had a great costume this year. Earlier tonight, I put a douchebag on my head and went out as Billy Bush. As you know, Billy Bush got fired for the outrageous things he and Donald Trump said about women. See, I think Trump should hire Billy. This way he can grab bush whenever he wants.

See, the greatest thing about our country, and this is why I'm optimistic, out of more than 325 million Americans, we were able to narrow it down to the two best-loved, most qualified people. That's unbelievable. That is a testament to us.

You know, I watched both political conventions this summer and here's something I don't understand. Like at the Republican convention, Rudy Giuliani spoke. He's got three wives. Newt Gingrich spoke. He's got three wives. Then, Donald Trump spoke. He's got three wives. The only one with one wife is Mitt Romney, and he's the Mormon. It didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense.

Did you see Bill Clinton at the Democratic convention where he introduced his new campaign slogan, 'I'm with her, and her, and her. You, too, darlin'.'

And as you know, the state of New York is suing Trump University for $40 million, claiming it's not a real college because its students did not get a good education and could not find jobs after they graduated. I don't know. It sounds like a real college to me. I'm not quite sure what the problem is.

And speaking of education, Hillary Clinton was campaigning last weekend and stopped at a school where children as young as five were learning to work with computers. I thought this was nice. The former first lady actually took the time to show the young people how to use that all important 'delete files' button.

And President Obama was at a big fundraising dinner in Beverly Hills last week where people paid $100,000 a plate to hear the president talk about income inequality.

And as you know, the Hillary email scandal brought Anthony Weiner back, you know, this whole sexting scandal thing. Here's a question nobody has asked: Anthony Weiner is Jewish, right? So, does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Weiner?

Then, Leno launched into a series of jokes about how bad the economy is.

LENO: But it's all about the economy. Here's how bad the economy is: Two Milwaukee men were arrested this week for trying to join ISIS. Did you hear their excuse? They said, 'Hey, nobody else is hiring.' That's how bad the economy is.

The economy is so bad Forbes came out with its annual list of the 400 richest Americans, and 200 of them have moved back in with their parents. That's how bad it is.

The economy is so bad in Beverly Hills I saw a woman tanning using the sun. That never happens.

The economy is so bad on the Today Show, Kathie Lee and Hoda were splitting a 40. I've never seen that.

The economy is so bad in L.A., women are marrying guys for love. That's how bad it's gotten.

Jimmy Fallon joined Leno.

JIMMY FALLON: I got one. The economy is bad. The economy is so bad Anthony Weiner is faxing people photos of his junk.

The economy is so bad Pat Sajak had to take out a home loan to buy vowel.

The economy is bad. The economy is so bad the Obamas just listed the Lincoln Bedroom on Airbnb.

The economy is so bad instead of paying for heat, people are huddling around exploding Samsung phones just for the warmth.

And that ended the monologue portion of the show.

I always like it when Leno takes the reins and delivers a monologue that has balance, targeting Democrats, Republicans, and Obama.

I miss that very much.

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