JIMMY FALLON: Last night, President Trump nominated Colorado appeals judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. That's right, he's from Colorado, which explains his most famous case, Regular Funyuns vs. Flamin' Hot Funyuns. 'I hereby rule that they're both awesome!'
We're now learning a little bit more about Neil Gorsuch. For instance, I read that he actually has a barn where he raises horses, chickens, and goats. That experience will come in handy when he spends the rest of his life sidestepping all the crap in Washington.
Listen to this: Ahead of last night's big Supreme Court announcement, President Trump brought both of his top two candidates to the White House. Trump said, 'One of you will be the nominee, the other will go home crying in the back of a limo.' Why would you do that? He did it! Trump also brought his second choice, Thomas Hardiman, all the way to Washington because he wanted to build suspense for the announcement.
Here's what the two of them had to say after the big reveal.
First, Gorsuch said: "This is, without a doubt, the greatest honor of my life."
Then, Hardiman said: "What the hell just happened?"
Next, Gorsuch said: "This is a dream come true."
And Hardiman said: "This is the cruelest thing anyone could do. It's like inviting me to a party, then not putting my name on the list."
Finally, Gorsuch said: "I can't express how happy I am."
While Hardiman said: "I can't express how much I regret getting a lower back tattoo that says, 'Justice Supreme!'"
I know it's a joke, but fake news is fake news.
Judge Hardiman didn't drive to DC
In the end, Judge Thomas Hardiman only drove a few hours east of Pittsburgh.
"The reality is that to the best of my knowledge he never left the state of Pennsylvania," White House spokesman Sean Spicer said Tuesday night after the announcement. "He never was in DC, nor did he ever leave the commonwealth."