TURKEY HOTLINES

I love making Thanksgiving dinner almost as much as I love eating Thanksgiving dinner.

No matter how stuffed I am, I never go to bed before having at least a small turkey sandwich.

The ceremonial consuming of the leftovers is as much a tradition at our house as the feast itself.

Although I've been plenty frazzled preparing dinner, I've never called one of the many Turkey Hotlines.

I think it's a great service. They've probably helped rescue many a doomed dinner as well as prevent many trips to the emergency room.

Just a few:

Jennie-O: 1-800-TURKEYS

Butterball: 1-800-BUTTERBALL

Reynolds Turkey Tips: 1-800-745-4000

Here are some actual calls for advice received by the people manning the hotlines.

Butterball turkey experts still talk about the Kentucky woman who called in 1993 to ask how to get her dog out of her turkey. It seems the woman's Chihuahua had dived into the bird's cavity and become trapped there. The woman tried pulling the pooch and shaking the bird, all to no avail. A Butterball economist finally suggested the woman carefully cut the opening in the turkey wider to release the captive canine.

The Reynolds Wrap Turkey Tips Line (800-745-4000) took a query from a woman who wanted to know if she could cook her turkey by placing it in a Reynolds Oven Bag, putting it in the window in the back of her car, and letting the heat from the sun bake the turkey. (She was told that would be an uncontrolled heat source and was instructed to use an oven instead.)

The folks at Butterball have also dealt with cooks determined to roast turkeys on the back ledges of their cars. And they've had people call to ask if they could cook their holiday birds on radiators. Then there was the bride who had a small, apartment-size range and was worried the turkey would get larger as it cooked (similar to a loaf of bread rising) — she was fretting she wouldn't be able to get it out of the oven after it was done.

Why would anyone want to cook a turkey in the back of a car or on a radiator?

I don't think some of these people should be allowed anywhere near a kitchen or given the responsibility of feeding a group.

In recent years, there always seems to be stories about the dangers of the Thanksgiving meal. The potential for food poisoning is high. It's as if handling turkey is the same as handling toxic waste.

EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Sometimes I think the media do everything they can to take the joy out of the holiday.

For example:

MADISON, Wis -- As people start preparations for Thanksgiving meals, experts are urging them to take steps to avoid food poisoning.

Experts said that Thanksgiving is one of the busiest times for the state Poison Center, and they said that people have a one in four chance of getting food poisoning each year.

...As people start preparations for Thanksgiving meals, experts are urging them to take steps to avoid food poisoning.

Experts said that Thanksgiving is one of the busiest times for the state Poison Center, and they said that people have a one in four chance of getting food poisoning each year.

What a pleasant thought to keep in mind while eating Thanksgiving dinner!

Nothing spoils a wonderful holiday meal like food poisoning.


(Gee, I hope I don't send anyone to the emergency room this year.)