Helping David Letterman celebrate his 14 years on the air at CBS was none other than New York's distinguished senator, former first lady, and Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary dominated the show, getting three segments.
As Hillary came on stage, the band played Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run.
Kind of stupid.
Naturally, she was wearing a pantsuit. She looked sort of tired and bloated. Personally, I prefer to see baggy eyes than an immobilized Botoxed face.
After saying that she had been a guest on the show seven times, Hillary read jokes that Letterman had made about her pantsuits.
It seemed like a set-up. Remember the pop quiz Letterman gave Hillary during the 2000 campaign?
Hillary said she's a good campaigner, her best quality being stamina. God knows, staying married to Bill takes stamina.
Letterman asked her if she has any weaknesses as a campaigner.
After a pause, Hillary said, "Sure." Nothing more.
Big laugh.
Letterman mentioned that she's raised $6o million+ for her campaign.
Hillary admitted that it's an astronomical amount of money for a campaign.
She explained that the Supreme Court decided that political contributions are part of free speech.
She said, "As a senator, and hopefully as president, I will work to change that."
She wants a system of public financing.
Of course, there was no mention of Norman Hsu.
Letterman wanted to know if it's fun campaigning with Bill.
He asked, "Does he ever forget that he's not running?"
Hillary quipped, "Let me say, if the Constitution had not been amended to make it two terms, he might be running."
She went on to invite Letterman on the campaign trail. "It's fun. You should come with us sometime."
Yeah, right.
After the break, they talked a little about Chelsea.
Then Letterman asked, "What's the deal with Sen. Craig?"
The audience laughed but Hillary took the high road. Actually, given Bill's past indiscretions, it was the only road she could take.
She said, "I think it's very sad. I think it's a very sad story. I'm wishing the best for him and his family."
She said the voters of Idaho will have to handle the Craig matter, though I doubt Craig will ever be on a ballot again.
Next topic -- a woman as president.
Are we ready? Can we do it?
Hillary said, "We'll never know whether we can until we try."
She talked about the little girls that want to meet her, as if she's such an inspiring figure. She spoke of all the women in their 90s that want her to be president.
"I know this is a big deal that I might be the first woman president," Hillary said with all the gravitas that she could muster, which wasn't much.
Hillary said that being president is a tough job and being the first woman president would hold a special responsibility.
She said that it will be especially hard following President Bush and Vice President Cheney and rolled her eyes and nodded. Blah, blah, blah.
Letterman talked about Hillary being a Republican, that dark, scary past.
She talked about growing up in the Midwest, like Letterman. It sounded to me like she was courting flyover country bigtime.
In the third and final segment, the discussion was Iraq. Things got very serious.
Hillary said:
"There are no good options."
"But I think we need to begin to withdraw our troops now. Bring them home. Make it clear they're not going to continue to referee a civil war."
"There is no military solution."
She said that the troops performed heroically.
They were asked to bring Saddam Hussein to justice and they did. They made free elections happen. Hillary said we should be proud of the military.
Hillary was really in campaign stump speech mode.
Her carefully orchestrated visit with Letterman concluded on a lighter, albeit lame, note. She read her own top ten list.
My top ten campaign promises:
10. Bring civility and long term security to The View.
9. Each year on my birthday every American gets a cupcake.
8. You will have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double or nothing on your taxes.
7. If you're having trouble getting a flight and Air Force One is available, it's yours.
6. My vice president will never shoot anybody in the face.
5. Turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen as soon as possible.
4. You know for over a century there have been only two Dakotas; I plan to double that.
3. We will finally have a president who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions. (Hillary added, "Am I right, ladies?")
2. I will appoint a committee to find out what the heck is happening on Lost.
1. One more pantsuit joke and Letterman disappears.
Those are all better ideas than her plan to socialize medicine.
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