SNL: Message from Rahm Emanuel (UNAIRED)

UPDATE, February 6, 2010: An Even-Tempered Apology from Rahm Emanuel
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This skit wasn't aired on Saturday Night Live. It's a WEB exclusive.

Transcript

DON PARDO: And now message from White House Chief of Staff-designate Rahm Emanuel.

ANDY SAMBERG as RAHM EMANUEL: Hello, I'm Rahm Emanuel, one-time congressman of Illinois' 5th District, and now, White House Chief of Staff-designate for President-elect Barack Obama. I believe we are at the dawn of a great new age in American politics. And I am proud and excited to be a part of it. At the same time, I understand that our country is facing great challenges, challenges that are going to require both parties to come together to find solutions.

Now, some on the right, such as minority leader John Baynor, have criticized my appointment as being hyperpartisan and have accused me of being prone to bare-knuckle tactics and profanity-laced tirades in the past. While it is true that my nickname is 'Rahmbo' and it is also true that my brother Ari is the basis for Jeremy Piven's character on Entourage, I want to assure you that I took this job for one reason only -- to support Barack Obama's message of hope and change.

Although I should say to anyone thinking about crossing me, I will f------- end you. You will never even see it coming. One day you will be here, and the next day you will f------ disappear.

And John Boehner? You seriously wanna f--- with me? You're losing seats in Congress like it's a game of f----- Musical Chairs, and you issue a press release about me, you f----- idiot? About me? You pull that s--- to my face, Baynor, and I will send you back to Ohio in a f------ box.

And that goes for Democrats as well as Republicans. You will get in f------ line or I will personally stamp your ticket. None of your f------ b---s--- on my watch, Lieberman. If it was up to me, we wouldn't just strip you of your chairmanship, we would strip you naked and make you walk your McCain-loving a-- back to Connecticut, you f------ turncoat.

You don't believe me? Ask Howard f------ Dean if I'm for real. He s---- himself when he hears me on the radio.

I'm sorry. Did you f------ say something? Are you f------ sure? Yeah, you better be f------ sure.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to address you tonight. I look forward to the coming months to setting out together on what I promise will be an incredible journey. Seriously, it's gonna be f------ amazing.