Conan O'Brien: Monologue, January 11 (Video)

Conan O'Brien: Monologue, January 12, transcript
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On Monday night, Conan O'Brien looked to be having fun taking jabs at NBC in his monologue.

Before he listed his personal options in the late night shuffle, he began his monologue with a series of jokes addressing the matter.

Video here.

Transcript

O'BRIEN: (Applause) Ladies and gentlemen, please. You keep that up and this monologue won't start till 12:05. Then where would we be, huh?

Good evening, everybody. I'm Conan O'Brien, the new host of Last Call with Carson Daly.

...

Big local story-- This weekend, no one was seriously hurt, but this is true, a 6.5 earthquake hit California. Did you know that? True story, yeah. The earthquake was so powerful it knocked Jay Leno's show from 10:00 to 11:35...

Everybody now wants to know what my plans are. Everyone's asking me. All I can say is I plan to continue putting on a great show night after night while stealing as many office supplies as humanly possible. I'm gonna rob this place blind. I've got ten cartridges of toner in my pants right now. It's jammed down there.

Winter Olympics are coming up. Yeah, this is announced, this is true, NBC announced they expect to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics next month. Yeah. Folks, is it just me or is that story hilarious? I'm sorry. Lose $200 million... for them that's a big hit. So, I think everybody wins.

After touching on some other topics unrelated to the NBC late night mess, O'Brien returned to the story.

CONAN O'BRIEN: It's a very big story I guess. NBC is shaking up its late night line-up yet again. This is the plan: They want to move Jay Leno back to 11:35. And there are a lot of rumors about what I'm going to do. I've got a lot of options. I thought I'd share some of them with you right now.

I could:

Host the Tonight Show at 12:05

Star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network.

Go to ABC and star in a male redhead version of "Cougartown" called "Redwolf Village."

Host a show on B.E.T. called "White All Night."

Move to FOX and follow their hit "24" with a new show called "24:05."

Televise my own colonoscopy on the Bravo Channel in a show called "Project Funway."

Convince NBC to let me keep this time slot if I can gain 10 pounds of chin.

Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning DJ's called "Big Red and The Booger."

Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon, then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in!

Perform the show live every night from Zanies Comedy Club at 7:30 and 9:30. (1/2 price drinks if you tell 'em "Coco" sent ya!)

Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busey as head of programming.

Leave television altogether, and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.

It must feel good to rip NBC like that. O'Brien should enjoy the 11:35 time slot while he has it.

Video.