Transcript
CONAN O'BRIEN: Ladies and gentlemen, hello there. I'm Conan O'Brien and I've been practicing the phrase, 'Who ordered the mochachino grande?' Look for me, and please tip, OK?
We have an amazing show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. We're just having fun out here. That's the important thing. We're gonna have fun tonight. Let's have some fun. That's what it's all about. It's just about having some fun.
I'm trying very hard to stay positive here, and I want to tell you something. This is honest. Hosting The Tonight Show has been the fulfillment of a life-long dream for me. And I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Yeah, unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too.
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This is nice. This is very nice. According to a new poll, a TV Guide poll, this is according to a new TV Guide poll: 83 percent of voters, 83 percent want me to stay at 11:35. Here's the interesting part-- When he heard this poll number, President Obama asked, 'How can I get NBC to screw me over? This is good stuff. How can I get in on this?'
Of course, there's been an absurd amount of coverage in the news about our situation here at NBC. And it's been nice to get so much support, but I was very happy to see this on CNN. Take a look. (Begin clip)
OBAMA: Conan is a friend of mine. He has been a stalwart champion. This is a good man who has always been on the right side of history. And for people to try to make hay out of that makes absolutely no sense. (End clip)
O'BRIEN: I've always been on the right side of history.
ANDY RICHTER: I wonder why we couldn't find the footage of him saying, 'I'm on Team Coco.'
O'BRIEN: Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up. I'm getting a lot of support out there, especially from an online group calling themselves 'Team Conan,' which is nice. No, it's very exciting. It's the first time in my life that I've been on a team where I wasn't picked last.
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Now last night, last night the new season of American Idol started on the FOX Network and it was watched by an audience of 30 million people. Yeah, when they heard that NBC executives said, 'That's not true. There's no such thing as an audience of 30 million people. That's crazy. It can't be.'
Like Tuesday night, O'Brien introduced a taped segment with subtitles showing world leaders supposedly commenting on the late night drama at NBC.
HUGO CHAVEZ: The Leno/Conan debacle illustrates the eternal battle between management and labor. Me? I get high and watch "Family Guy" reruns.
NICOLAS SARKOZY: In solidarity with Conan O'Brien I urge the French people to treat all Americans with 10% less disdain.
POPE BENEDICT XVI: I've got a link to all his "Conando" sketches on my Facebook page.
GORDON BROWN: (He speaks English but the subtitles give a different 'translation.') Don't worry about Conan. If that's the same guy I knew at banjo camp, he'll be okay.
O'Brien continued with the monologue:
O'BRIEN: Of course, you all know NBC is broadcasting the Winter Olympics in just a few weeks. And I just heard this, NBC executives have been making some changes to improve the Olympics. Did you know that? This is big. Here are just some of the changes NBC is implementing. It's pretty cool.
(Video here.)
Move the Winter Olympics to summer, but still call them The Winter Olympics.
Replace the Olympic theme with Subway's "5 Dollar Footlong" song.
Have all event judging done by Paula Abdul, David Hasselhoff and for some reason, Flavor Flav.
Attempt to boost ratings with new event featuring obese people on sleds called 'The Biggest Luger."
Replace the flags on the giant slalom course with breached NBC contracts.
Reserve the right to cancel ski jumps mid-jump.
Move the Bronze up to Gold's place, Silver stays where it is, and add a new medal for fourth place called the "NBC."
At this point, Kenneth the Page interrupts the monologue by bringing a tour group in to see the studio.
Video here.
Transcript here.
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