SNL: Obama State of the Union

Saturday Night Live opened with its take on Obama's State of the Union address.

As usual, Fred Armisen played Obama. Behind him were Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden and Kristen Wiig as Nancy Pelosi.



Transcript

OBAMA: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Madame Speaker, Vice President Biden, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans,

Five months ago our nation lost one of its most honorable and courageous public servants -- Sen. Edward Kennedy.

And last week in Massachusetts, we saw a special election to fill his Senate seat. Now, that election did not go my party's way. So naturally all the pundits have their different theories on what it all means. The fact is no one knows.

But there's one thing we do know: Our nominee, Martha Coakley, was the single most incompetent candidate ever to seek public office in this nation's history. Shame on you, Martha Coakley. How do you not know that Curt Schilling pitched for the Red Sox? Martha Coakley, you are a disgrace. You couldn't beat Dick Cheney for mayor of Berkeley. You deserved to lose, Martha. You deserved to lose. You stunk up the joint.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, before we assess the state of our union today, let's pause to recall where we stood when I assumed office just one year ago. Our nation -- mired in two wars, a collapsing stock market, an economy rocked by severe recession, and a government deeply in debt. But that's not all.

Last January 20th, when Michelle and I first entered the White House, we were absolutely horrified at what we found: Dishes piled high in the sink; sheets that hadn't been washed in months, perhaps years; floors littered with candy wrappers and dust bunnies; and a fridge filled with food long past its expiration date. The cable bill had not been paid since the Clinton administration and service had been turned off years ago. Late fees alone ran into the hundreds of dollars. Also, and I want to put this as delicately as I can, according to staff familiar with the furnishings, things were missing.

But of all the legacies left by my predecessor, none was as damaging as a jobless rate of nearly 15 percent. Putting Americans back to work has therefore been my administration's top priority, and it will be until every American who wants a job has one.

Thank you.

Here are three jobs that as of noon today were still available:

Tezak Bros. Roofing in Hinsdale, Illinois, has an opening for a part-time bookkeeper. Contact Bob or Andy Teezak at 1-800-555-0199.

Mike's Burger World on Route 7 in Bellevue, Washington is looking for kitchen staff. Applicants must be available nights and weekends and willing to wear a hairnet.

And, Local 507 of the carpenters union has a position available for construction on the new Hudson County Courthouse in Jersey City, New Jersey. Starting wage is $45 an hour. And like most jobs on this project, it's a no-show job. You can stay home all day.

So, that's three jobs right there.

And that's not all. In the months ahead, I plan to ask Congress for legislation ending the ban on gays in the military. This in itself will create 30,000 jobs in our Armed Forces, as well as two new series on BRAVO.

Also, there's health care reform. To be honest at this point, I could go either way on that. If you want it, pass it. Whatever, I'll sign it. It's your call. I really don't care anymore.

Thank you. God bless you. And Live from New York, it's Saturday Night.

Poor Martha Coakley.

Video.