Saturday Night Live began with Andy Samberg as Rahm Emanuel, a role he's played in the past, giving his goodbye remarks as Obama's chief of staff.
Fred Armisen appeared as Obama and Bobby Moynihan was Peter Rouse, Emanuel's successor.
Transcript
ANNOUNCER: Next on C-SPAN, yesterday at a special ceremony, Rahm Emanuel officially stepped down as White House Chief of Staff.
OBAMA (FRED ARMISEN): Thank you, thank you. Hello. Good morning. Today my administration says goodbye to a friend, a fighter, a warrior, a man you want in your corner when the going gets rough, a man who won't take 'no' for an answer, a man who has twisted a few arms and poked a few chests, a man who knows no fear but knows how to make others afraid.
You know him as Rahm Emanuel, but to me he will always be Rahmbo.
(Obama fist bumps Emanuel.)
Rahm will be replaced as White House Chief of Staff by Peter Rouse. Pete hails from Connecticut and is a lover of cats.
(Rouse moves away.)
Come on back, Pete. There's nothing to be afraid of. But enough about Pete. Today belongs to Rahm. Rahm...
RAHM EMANUEL (ANDY SAMBERG): Thank you, Mr. President. As the president reminded us just now, I do have a certain reputation amongst my colleagues in the administration and Congress.
Now, has my manner sometimes been a bit aggressive? Probably. Could my personality be fairly described as abrasive? Yes, it could. Do I lack even basic social skills? Absolutely. Does a little bit of me go a long way? Indeed it does. In my job, have I at times used ugly strong-arm methods to get support for this president's agenda? Guilty as charged.
But remember, there's a big difference between arguing a point passionately and committing actual physical violence. And that's a difference I completely lost sight of, not in every case, but almost. And for that I am truly very sorry.
Now, Pete? Come here. Come here, buddy.
If there's one piece of advice that I can give to you, it's this: Everyone in Washington is trying to kill you all the time. And it's kill or be killed. Are you ready to kill a man, Pete?
(Rouse, frightened, shakes his head.)
Are you ready to choke a man over a vote?
PETER ROUSE (BOBBY MOYNIHAN): (Whimpering) I don't think so.
EMANUEL: 'Cause this is prison rules now, baby. OK? On the first day, you gotta walk up to the biggest congressman you can find and say, 'Nice to meet you.' And when he goes to shake your hand, you stab him in the neck with a pencil. And then you scream for everyone to hear, 'I am Pete Rouse, but you can call me King f---ing Kong. If any of you ladies got a problem with that, I will fight you in the men's room.'
You ready to be King Kong, Pete?
ROUSE: (Whimpering) No.
EMANUEL: Are you ready to let the part of you that's human die?
ROUSE: No. I don't think I want this job anymore.
EMANUEL: You can't cry, buddy. OK? If you cry, it's over. If you cry, it's shawshank. Here. I want you to have this. It's a razor blade. Keep it in your mouth. Hopefully, you'll never have to use it, but it's still nice to feel the metal against your gums.
ROUSE: (Crying) I wanna go home.
EMANUEL: (Puts his finger to Rouse's lips) Shh, shh. You have no home now. Home is for people, but you? You're a monster.
(Emanuel kisses Rouse's forehead and shoves him aside.)
Today I am leaving the hardest and the best job I've ever had. Now, did I make a difference? I hope so. I do know one thing for certain: (Tearing up) I made a lot of friends.
What's that? I didn't? No friends at all? Right, because of my personality. Well, there's not much more else to say. I want once again to thank the president for this opportunity and to wish him good luck dealing with the new angry Republican majorities in Congress. On that score, I'm sure Pete will do just fine.
(Rouse quietly cries.)
And one last thing: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
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