Saturday, June 20, 2015

Pope's Climate Change Encyclical - Highlights


  • Establishes Catholic Church’s stance on issue 30 years too late
  • Announces new Eucharist composting program to reduce production of holy waste
  • Unveils Church’s effort to reduce energy use by merging Father, Son, Holy Spirit into one deity
  • Lays out Vatican’s plan to lead green initiatives by immediately recycling all records and documents pertaining to child abuse
  • Reveals many of the world’s poor lack access to clean drinking blood of Christ
  • Officially beatifies world’s last remaining black rhinoceros
  • 40-page recyclables sorting guide
  • Vows to immediately discontinue all Vatican-owned fracking operations
  • Something about implications or consequences
  • At end of encyclical, quick reminder that same-sex marriage threatens society
  • Requests that if you’re going to pick and choose only parts of Catholicism to follow, let this be one of them

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