Highlights included official beatification of the world’s last remaining black rhinoceros http://t.co/7coOEj7obw pic.twitter.com/eXf9AFpZbX— The Onion (@TheOnion) June 20, 2015
Highlights:
- Establishes Catholic Church’s stance on issue 30 years too late
- Announces new Eucharist composting program to reduce production of holy waste
- Unveils Church’s effort to reduce energy use by merging Father, Son, Holy Spirit into one deity
- Lays out Vatican’s plan to lead green initiatives by immediately recycling all records and documents pertaining to child abuse
- Reveals many of the world’s poor lack access to clean drinking blood of Christ
- Officially beatifies world’s last remaining black rhinoceros
- 40-page recyclables sorting guide
- Vows to immediately discontinue all Vatican-owned fracking operations
- Something about implications or consequences
- At end of encyclical, quick reminder that same-sex marriage threatens society
- Requests that if you’re going to pick and choose only parts of Catholicism to follow, let this be one of them
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