JAY LENO: Here is a very frightening story, ladies and gentlemen. Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In our country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government. That is nothing.
This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even al Qaeda couldn't do that. Do you realize that?
And as you know, all nonessential employees were sent home - like President Obama's economic team. They all got sent home.
Well, to all you nonessential employees who have been forced out of your job... Hey, I work for NBC. I know how you feel, OK? I know how you feel.
Well, in a recent poll of AOL users, 51 percent of respondents blame the Republicans for the shutdown while 49 percent blame the Democrats. Isn't that amazing? There's still people using AOL? Really?
Do you understand this whole government shutdown thing? I mean, I know it's about President Obama's health care plan, but the Republicans are the ones making us bend over.
And because of the shutdown, even the Smithsonian Institute is closed. And as a result, tourists who come to Washington and want to see historical relics... they're now being sent to John McCain's office.
You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. It's terrible.
President Obama now down to just one teleprompter - that's how bad it is.
It is so bad the animals at the National Zoo are being auctioned off to HomeTown Buffet. That's how bad it is.
It is so bad Iran will now be forced to negotiate with Dennis Rodman. That's how bad it's gotten.
It's hurting everybody. In fact, Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry are now being forced to use the same Botox needle. That's how bad it's gotten.
At the TSA, they're making passengers fondle and grope themselves. That's how bad...
It is so bad a lot of government workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes. That's how bad it's gotten.
It is so bad John Boehner can't afford tanning cream anymore. He's just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That's how bad.
It is so bad Harry Reid has been forced to change his own embalming fluid. That's how bad it's gotten.