Letterman: Brian Williams Top Ten

TOP TEN THINGS BRIAN WILIAMS SAID THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE TRUE

10. "I'm proud to hail from the great state of New Jersey"

9. "Up next, a profile of Mitch McConnell you'll find fascinating"

8. "I was initiated into manhood by Sandra Day O'Connor"

7. "Have you met my sisters, Venus and Serena Williams"

6. "I recently defeated Bill O'Reilly and Richard Simmons in a cage match"

5. "Boy, did I enjoy 'Mortdecai'"

4. "I invented nachos"

3. "My temporary replacement, Lester Holt, once killed a guy with his bare hands"

2. "I've never been to a strip club" [Clip of Williams walking into FlashDancers]

1. "It's a thrill to be on your show, Dave"

Rick Perry: Letterman Top Ten (Video)

I think it's good when a candidate shows he can laugh at himself, especially after an embarrassing incident.

We can all relate to being less than perfect.

That said, I don't know if it was a good idea for Perry to go on Letterman and do the Top Ten list, "Rick Perry Excuses."

If Perry had dropped out of the race, I would see no downside to going on the show and joking about his poor debate performance.

At this point, however, it seems unpresidential and kind of desperate.

Will an appearance on Letterman turn around his campaign?

I don't see how it would.

It might help if Perry's goal is to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars.

TOP TEN RICK PERRY EXCUSES

10. Actually, there were three reasons why I messed up last night: 1) The nerves 2) The headache and 3) Um...Uh...Oops

9. I don't know what you're talking about -- I think things went well

8. I was up late last night watching "Dancing With The Stars"

7. I thought the debate was tonight

6. You try concentrating with Mitt Romney smiling at you. That is one handsome dude

5. Uh, El Nino?

4. I had a Five-Hour Energy Drink six hours before the debate

3. I really hoped it would get me on my favorite talk show, but instead, I ended up here

2. I wanted to help take the heat off my buddy Herman Cain

1. I just learned Justin Bieber is my father

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Letterman: Signs You're Hot Top Ten

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE TOO DAMN HOT

10. You were just named People magazine's "sweatiest man alive"

9. For you, business casual means a necktie and underpants

8. You begged Rupert Murdoch to hack into a Dairy Queen

7. You were caught texting photos of your heat rash

6. Your sunburns have sunburns: Kids, remember, Dave says wear sunscreen

5. Your baby daughter's first word: "clammy"

4. Your sweat is sweating -- Kids, remember, Dave says drink plenty of liquids

3. Instead of the maid, you're spending time with the pool boy (Schwarzenegger only)

2. Every now and then your ass sizzles and smells like bacon

1. You sit through a taping of the Late Show just for the air conditioning

Late Show with David Letterman
July 21, 2011

Letterman: Michele Bachmann Top Ten

David Letterman honed his harassment skills on Sarah Palin. Now, he's using them on Michele Bachmann.

That was completely predictable.

Death, taxes, and Letterman demeaning conservative women.

TOP TEN SIGNS THERE'S ALREADY TROUBLE AT MICHELE BACHMANN CAMPAIGN HEADQUARTERS

10. Staff spends 50% of time researching facts, other 50% explaining to Michele she got the facts wrong

9. Supply room is down to its last industrial-sized bucket of mascara

8. All the "Romney 2012" bumper stickers

7. They're putting a lot of emphasis on campaigning in Canada

6. Latest strategy: X-ray Bachmann's ass to prove it's real

5. The place is crawling with raccoons

4. Already filling out application for "Dancing With the Stars"

3. She's insisting the pilgrims came to this country to escape Queen Latifah

2. Everyone's under the impression the election's in 2013

1. Most commonly heard phrase: "Huh?"

Late Show with David Letterman
June 28, 2011

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Mitt Romney Top Ten

TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT MITT ROMNEY

10. Mitt is short for Mitt-thew

9. I can't begin my day until I've read the Washington Post and Kim Kardashian's tweets

8. I'm the guy in the photo that comes with your picture frame

7. I spent 6 months in a Mexican prison for selling black market Pillow Pets

6. Do I smell as good as I look? No.

5. In high school, I was voted "Mittiest"

4. I got into politics for the piles and piles of paperwork

3. Look for my best selling autobiography "They Call Me Baba Romney"

2. I have absolutely no idea where my birth certificate is

1. Oprah is my half-sister

Late Show with David Letterman
February 2, 2011

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Reince Priebus Top Ten

TOP TEN WAYS TO MISPRONOUNCE REINCE PRIEBUS

10. Ripe produce

9. Rented Prius

8. Prell cream rinse

7. Darrelle Revis

6. Justin Bieberbus

5. Rented Prius -- now, wait a minute, we already did that. How does this happen?

4. SpongeReince PrieberPants

3. France hates us

2. Rice pilaf

1. Ryan Priebcrest

Late Show with David Letterman
January 17, 2011

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Top Ten: Saudi Youth Love Letterman

According to a WikiLeaks revelation, American television shows, like Late Night with David Letterman, are proving to be effective "agents of influence" in dissuading Saudis from pursuing jihad against the U.S.

That State Department cable was the basis for Letterman's Top Ten List on Wednesday night.

TOP TEN REASONS SAUDI YOUTH LOVE ME, DAVID LETTERMAN

10. I too was a Saudi youth

9. We're on right after the number one children's show "Saudi Doody"

8. I'm hip to their jive

7. Come on, who doesn't love a sneezing monkey? (video of a sneezing monkey)

6. I've been told I smell like grilled lamb

5. They love seeing dumb Americans featured in my hilarious "Jaywalking" segment

4. Come on, who doesn't love watching Trump at a football game? (video of Donald Trump at football game)

3. My memorable performance in "Lawrence of Arabia" as Tariq the date farmer

2. My chain of local Saudi home decor stores: Bedouin Bath and Beyond

1. The jokes are a lot funnier if you don't speak English

Late Show with David Letterman
December 8, 2010

Letterman: TSA Agent Top Ten

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE BECOMING A TSA AGENT

10. "Do I need a degree in groping?"

9. "Am I only doing this for the sweet-ass TSA uniform?"

8. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?"

7. "Will I enjoy being cursed at 40 hours a week for minimum wage?"

6. "If I find explosive underpants, may I keep them?" Dammit that was number 8. Who checks these things anyway?"

5. "Should I practice by frisking people on the street?"

4. "In five years, whose pants do I see my hands in?"

3. "Do I really want to know what a fat guy's thighs feel like?"

2. "May I frisk myself?"

1. "What's the closest airport to Shakira's house?"

Late Show with David Letterman
November 22, 2010

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Letterman: Top Ten Surprises, Sarah Palin's Book

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN SARAH PALIN'S NEW BOOK

10. It's one, long run-on sentence

9. Lists her favorite things to gut

8. In 2008, she voted for Obama

7. She plagiarizes the stuff George W. Bush plagiarized in his book

6. Averages six "You betcha's" per page

5. In high school, was voted "Most Likely to Serve Half-Term As Alaska's Governor"

4. Comes with a caribou jerky bookmark

3. There's also an edition that's been translated into English

2. Explains why they call her Baba Booey

1. Palin recently worked as a Tina Fey impersonator

Late Show with David Letterman
November 18, 2010

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Letterman: Airport Security Top Ten

TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE AIRPORT SECURITY MORE PLEASANT

10. For an extra ten dollars, screeners will give you a luxurious Shiatsu massage

9. To your left, X-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet

8. Passenger's naked body scan ends up on YouTube -- hey, that joke was in the monologue!

7. Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it

6. You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute

5. Guess the TSA agent's weight and you can bring any liquid on board

4. Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee

3. Pipe in soft rock classics from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today

2. Concludes with a good luck pat on the ass

1. Vibrating wands

Late Show with David Letterman
November 17, 2010

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Stephen Strasburg, Letterman: Top Ten List

TOP TEN LITTLE KNOW FACTS ABOUT STEPHEN STRASBURG
(Presented by Stephen Strasburg, from Nationals Park in Washington, D.C.)

10. To keep my focus on pitching, I sleep on a mound of dirt

9. Every morning I spread Icy Hot on my toast

8. Got 3 of my 14 strikeouts while Twittering

7. To celebrate my first big league win, I bought a hot tub time machine

6. I wasn't really good till I got bitten by that radioactive spider

5. Dumb guys think I directed "E.T."

4. I also scored the winning goal for the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup Finals

3. I blew my signing bonus on laser back hair removal

2. Don't even try to talk to me before a start or while I'm watching "Glee"

1. If I would have know I'd be on Letterman, I wouldn't have pitched so well

Video clip:

Letterman: Top Ten Signs Rahm Emanuel is Nuts

TOP TEN SIGNS RAHM EMANUEL IS NUTS

10. Every morning takes a leak off the Truman balcony

9. President Obama smokes cigarettes; Rahm eats them

8. Spotted today at Toyota dealership

7. He's leaving Obama to become a special advisor to Richard Nixon

6. In a fit of rage, he snapped Dennis Kucinich in half

5. Changing his name to Rahm Emanuel Lewis

4. Refers to every cabinet official as "Clarkie"

3. Recently got into heated policy debate with his stapler

2. You mean, besides walking around D.C. naked?

1. Even Andy Dick is telling him to chill

Video here.

Letterman: Top Ten Messages, Jeff Zucker's Voicemail

Letterman really seems to be enjoying the turmoil at NBC. He's positively giddy at the opportunity to bash Jay Leno and NBC.

TOP TEN MESSAGES ON JEFF ZUCKER'S VOICEMAIL

10. "What the hell are you doing?"

9. "Hi, this is Jay Leno. Conan seemed upset in the elevator. Everything OK?"

8. "No seriously, what the hell are you doing?"

7. "Hi, it's Burt Reynolds. Just so you know, I'm available"

6. "Letterman here. Want to borrow one of my hairpieces?"

5. "Hi, this is Mark McGwire. If you're looking to bulk up, I know a guy"

4. "Hi, it's Jay again. All in all, I think it's going pretty well"

3. "I'm from Comcast. Regarding the sale... Uh, I think we're OK"

2. "Larry King here. Keep up the good work"

1. "What the Zuck?"

Top Ten: Obama's Interview with FOX

From The Late Show with David Letterman:

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS OF BARACK OBAMA'S INTERVIEW WITH FOX NEWS

10. First question: "Sup?"

9. Showed up wearing one of Michelle's halter tops

8. Interview split into domestic issues, foreign affairs and one round of bare-knuckle boxing

7. Promoted Obama's new book about his life as a sassy Alaska hockey mom

6. Mostly about Shakira's awesome new "She Wolf" video

5. Interviewer kept referring to "alleged President Obama"

4. Began new feud over which "Twilight" star is hunkier, Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner

3. When Titans owner Bud Adams gave everyone the finger

2. A laughing George W. Bush called to ask, "How you liking it, sucker?"

1. Only thing they could agree on is that Glenn Beck is a load

Letterman isn't funny anymore. He just spews hate. He absolutely hates conservatives. He hates FOX News.

Letterman ia such a hack.

He's actually attacking the professionalism of Senior White House Correspondent Major Garrett, who conducted the interview with Obama.

Garrett doesn't deserve that.

Top Ten Surprises, Sarah Palin Book

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE SARAH PALIN BOOK

10. Cover photo is actually Tina Fey

9. All proceeds from the book go toward a bitchin' new snowmobile

8. Nearly had to pull out of campaign after spraining her winking muscle

7. Not interested in politics, is interested in joining "Dancing with the Stars"

6. Includes fantasy sequence where she beats Katie Couric with her own microphone

5. Someone's got a crush on Jon Gosselin

4. It's a science fiction romance about moody teenage vampires

3. Favorite website: YoubetchaTube

2. Includes Levi Johnston centerfold

1. Even Sarah doesn't know what Todd does

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I guess the upstanding, all-around great guy, husband, and father Letterman decided not to say that 14-year-old Willow Palin was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez while at a Yankee game.

What's funny about this Top Ten list is that Letterman did a version of it in May 2009.

TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE SARAH PALIN MEMOIR

10. She's already completed her 2012 presidential concession speech

9. Her husband Todd is a person of interest in dozens of unsolved snowmobile hit-and-runs

8. State troopers have been instructed to taser Katie Couric on sight

7. "Memoir" is misspelled

6. Not only can she see Russia, earlier today she saw the astronauts working on Hubble

5. The entire thing, plagiarized word-for-word from Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish"

4. Cover shows her in a passionate embrace with a shirtless Fabio

3. Sworn in as Governor with her left hand on a copy of "Guns & Ammo" magazine

2. Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper

1. She voted for Obama

"Claims she had three-way sex with Michael Phelps and a stripper"?

Given the revelations about Letterman's sexual romps, that one certainly seems more creepy now.

Reasons Green Bay Fans Are Glad Favre's Gone

Frank Caliendo, as David Letterman, delivered a Top Ten List in honor of Brett Favre's return to Lambeau as a Minnesota Viking.

Favre playing at Lambeau as the quarterback for the Vikings makes me feel sick. I really don't want to see it. Favre back at Lambeau WEARING PURPLE -- Oh, God.

DAVID LETTERMAN (FRANK CALIENDO): That's today's big story -- Brett Favre going back home to Lambeau Field, and the crowd might not be so happy to see him. And believe me, you're looking at a guy who knows a thing or two about coming home to a hostile environment.

REASONS GREEN BAY FANS ARE GLAD BRETT'S GONE

10. TIRED OF WINNING.

9. WE REALLY LIKE THE NEW GUY, AARON WHAT'S HIS NAME.

8. EXCITING LAST-SECOND VICTORIES NOT GOOD FOR THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

7. LESS LAMBEAU VISITS BY BRADSHAW.

6. PESKY PLAYOFFS GOT IN THE WAY OF ICE FISHING SEASON.

5. NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE ASKED HE WOULDN'T CHANGE HIS NAME TO 'BRAT' FAVRE.

4. WE LIKE OUR QUARTERBACKS TO HAVE LESS GRAY HAIR THAN JIMMY JOHNSON.

3. WE ONLY WON ONE SUPER BOWL WITH HIM, LOOK HOW MANY WE'VE WON SINCE...UM NEVERMIND.

2. IF WE WANTED TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T COMMIT, WE'D OF HAD GEORGE CLOONEY AT QB.

1. WE LIKE OUR DIVAS TO BE FEMALE.

Top Ten Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses

TOP TEN NORTHWEST AIRLINES PILOT EXCUSES

10."Bunch of fat guys seated on right side of plane made us vector east"

9."We get paid by the hour"

8."MapQuest always takes you the long way, am I right, people?"

7."Tired of that show-off Sullenberger getting all the attention"

6."You try steering one of those airplanes after eight or nine cocktails"

5."Wanted to catch end of in-flight movie"

4."Activating autopilot and making occasional P.A. announcements is exhausting"

3."According to our map, we only missed target by half-an-inch"

2."For a change, decided to send luggage to the right city and lose the passengers"

1."Thought we saw Balloon Boy"

Top Ten Reasons to Accept That Job Offer from David Letterman

From Jim Treacher's Blog, via Mark Levin:

TOP TEN REASONS TO ACCEPT THAT JOB OFFER FROM DAVID LETTERMAN

10. Get to find out "Worldwide Pants" refers to his breathing

9. Whenever he has trouble performing, he can always count on Paul

8. Stupid Prostate Tricks

7. Pillow talk includes fond remembrances of working with Calvert DeForest

6. "Can Jay do this? Huh? Can Jay do this?"

5. Share in wistful late-life transition from "My girlfriend doesn't understand me" to "My wife doesn't understand me"

4. Will It Rise?

3. Tries to be nice about it when he passes you off to Biff Henderson

2. "Whoops, looks like Cheney isn't the only one who shoots people in the face"

And the Number One Reason to Accept That Job Offer from David Letterman:

1. After the sex, he lets you keep the Palin wig

Letterman: Top Ten Questions, Dinner with Sarah Palin

TOP TEN QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF BEFORE SPENDING $63,500 ON DINNER WITH SARAH PALIN

10. "Is the tip included?"

9. "Do my kids really need to go to college?"

8. "Is it 'All the Moose You Can Eat'?"

7. "Should I prepare by reading every magazine and newspaper?"

6. "Does it have to be at the Denny's where Todd works?"

5. "Should we have dinner in Alaska or Russia?"

4. "Will she hunt and shoot the main course?"

3. "63 Grand! That's nearly half of her weekly wardrobe budget!" Remember that reference?

2. "Is there valet parking for my snowmobile?"

1. "Will I be done in time to get to the 'Fire Dave' rally?"

Letterman, John Key: Top Ten Reasons to Visit New Zealand

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key delivered the Top Ten List Thursday on The Late Show with David Letterman.

TOP TEN REASONS YOU SHOULD VISIT NEW ZEALAND

10. The Auckland Airport now has a Cinnabon

9. We have the loosest slot machines in the Pacific Rim

8. Only a convenient 20-hour flight away

7. It's like England without the attitude

6. Down there Leno's on at 9 o'clock

5. Get the whanau together, stay in a bach, crack open the chilly bin and slap on your jandals

4. Visit in the next 30 days, I'll pick you up at the airport

3. 70% of our energy is generated through renewable hydropower-- Look they don't all have to be jokes

2. We drive on the left side of the road, like the British and Lindsay Lohan

1. Unlike most of the world, we still like Americans

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